We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
