his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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