god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
