i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
