So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
