I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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