So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
