I CAN MOONWALK!
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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