I can feel you judging me through the phone.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize