Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
