I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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