1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize