I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
