im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The uberlube is also flammable
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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