hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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