she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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