I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
