My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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