MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize