Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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