i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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