i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
