I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
