I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
