Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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