I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
