so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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