Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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