Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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