Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Come on in and take your pants off
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