so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
