He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
