Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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