i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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