KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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