I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
