My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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