I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
