Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
