if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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