New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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