I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize