She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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