how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
