i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
