I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
