no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
