I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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