dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize