I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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