please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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