my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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