My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Randomize
