I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize